I have alot of landscaping and flower beds, so it's alot of work that's done in stages. I usually start one day with house side beds, work my way around the front, dedicate a day to trimming and pruning, and then there's my pride and joy. The zen garden. What started out as a tiny little kidney shaped bed that barely held a handful of irises and a peony bush is now the size of some people's back yards. It wraps around a tree, takes up an entire corner of the yard, includes chairs, a path, bird bath, and hours of work. It's where I'm most happy, enjoying the sounds of birds of all kinds, watching rabbits and squirrels gleefully playing through the rest of our yard. It's almost like a Disney movie, except I only play Princess every 3rd Friday of the month.
Imagine a picture perfect day. Blue skies, fluffy clouds, gentle breeze, and a glorious 70 degrees. I was in THE ZONE. Pulling weeds, dividing and replanting, enjoying the early blooms. Hours of work, taking moments to feel at one with nature, talking to the momma robin as she shrieked at me to get the hell away from her nest. Being rural, but in somewhat of a town, (if you call six square blocks of houses a town) I of course, had to pick up the occasional litter and oddball piece of garbage that had found its way into my flowerbeds. Even that couldn't kill my zen. I was just in a total state of joy to be out there doing what I love.
As I neared the tree swing and started pulling weeds, I found little fluffs of fur. Awwwww....how cute and endearing! It's spring, and the rabbits are out in full swing, making their little dens so I'll have cute baby bunnies bounding through the yard doing a nature happy dance with me! See, I love bunnies this year, because I destroyed their home under our house (maybe I'll elaborate on that another day). I no longer want to crush their skulls with a sledgehammer...I am one with the bunny, hopping along on my little yard errands enjoying a beautiful day!
I see more of these little fluffs of fur and I squeal in delight as each new treasure is discovered! Bunny love! Dance with me bunnies! Let us join together and sing the song of our people! Ok, it's wasn't that warm, but maybe I had gotten too much sun by that point.
I finish off the work on the zen garden, and allow myself to finally sit down in my absolute favorite spot in the world...my tree swing. It's a grand old maple tree, which I've watched grow through the years, and nothing quite makes me as happy as that spot on the swing, and tilting my head up to look at the gorgeous canopy above me. It's a goddamn Hallmark movie but without any of that having to interact with people crap.
My head tilts back, and as my eyes gaze slowly upward, enjoying every moment of that favorite spot on earth, I notice more fluffs of my precious bunny fur.
Wait. I'm looking UP. Bunnies are DOWN.
My gaze continues up into the tree and then I see it.
BUNNY CORPSE.
Not just a bunny, but a big old fucking rabbit. And not just a big old fucking rabbit, but one that has been very tidily picked clean of his innards. Possibly his head too, but I can't see that far up and there is no way in hell I'm going to hoist myself up into my glorious tree to find out if Mr. Rabbit's eyeballs and brains are still in his head.
Well, isn't that just the perfect addition to a zen garden? Circle of life, anyone?
I immediately utter some kind of guttural noise of disgust and fling myself out of the tree swing in the most ungraceful way. And then of course, after I shake off the skeeve factor, grab my phone and snap a shot of Mr. Rabbit.
Then it dawns on me.
WHAT drug the rabbit up the tree? The moment that thought hit me, I looked behind me and all around, to see if RabbitKiller was lurking in the brush pile, behind the bushes, or even better, further up the tree. Because anything that would do THAT to a rabbit, is surely going to want to get a tasty bite of my more than substantial ass.
Step slowly away from the tree. Google "what eats large rabbits". Realizing there probably aren't coyotes dragging rabbits up a tree, I amend that search to "birds of prey large rabbits".
Suddenly, the birds are not chirping. The squirrels are not joyfully bounding. I don't see a single rabbit in the yard.
Cue opening music from The Shining.
Logic tells me a very large owl. How large though? That's a big fucking rabbit. Ok, maybe a hawk. But how big of a hawk? I see hawks all the time, usually in the fields surrounding our town, eating small rodents, not big ass rabbits. Hmmm...a bald eagle would be pretty cool. But really? Yeah, I see bald eagles all the time, but always outside of town, always in fields, always eating road kill. This isn't road kill...this was a full course dinner.
And then, since OF COURSE I had to share this on Facebook, the brilliant friend who suggested boiling Supermouse in the dishwasher comes up with the answer.
It's the Chupacabra.
OH HELL YES IT IS. It is the ONLY answer. Which raises too many questions with too little answers.
Where is Chupacabra now, being the most important.
I think I was diligent in checking the previous home of bunnies under our house, but no, it does appear that the efforts made to evict them is still intact.
Then it dawns on me. The basement.
It's no ordinary basement. It's not even a slightly happy basement. More like a run screaming for your life storm cellar. Creaky old doors covering a hole in the ground kind of basement. The kind of place sewer clowns would love to hang out in. Perfect Chupacabra breeding ground.
Did I go down there and look? OH HELL NO. I only go down there if the tornado is across the road and holding up a big sign that says "GONNA MOW YOU DOWN BITCH SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY". But Chupacabra is down there. I know it. I hear it breathing through the return air vents. No, that's not the sound of the years of dust I haven't bothered to clean, it's the Chupacabra and I'm sticking with that story, so shut up.
So I ignore the danger lurking beneath my feet. Mr. RabbitCorpse still hangs out in the tree. That's an entirely different post that will involve things like early onset dementia and honeydo lists that have to include things like which way to put the toilet paper on the holder.
Country living. Never a dull moment. Chickenfuckers, Supermouse becomes Gluttonmouse, having a tennis racket nearby at all times, and now Chupacabra. Did the mention of chickenfuckers make you go hmmmm? Another time.
You are the cream to my morning coffee....cooling to the intense heat as it spews from my nose each morning reading these.
ReplyDelete