Random
Scrubbing Thoughts
December 10, 2011 at 11:37am
If I'm going to be honest with
myself, this is called writing down mundane and irrelevant things to avoid
scrubbing more in the kitchen. Or at least allowing myself to "take
a break" because I thought of something so vitally important to state
about kitchen cleaning that it must be typed out right away.
1. If you are considering
renovating your kitchen, don't be swayed by those pretty cabinets with all the
nice inset trim work. Otherwise, you'll become as vulgar as I am
everytime you go to scrub them and realize you need a toothbrush to do
it. Flat face cabinets, people. One quick swipe, and you're done.
2. If you are looking at your
hands and realizing you need to get that chipped polish off your fingernails
(and what the hell are you doing painting your nails when you KNOW it will chip
within one day of work, even with TWO top coats), just go scrub your
cabinets. Those ones with the pretty trimwork. Because you'll be
using said fingernails to try and get into the grooves and muttering to
yourself about flat faced cabinets. Voila! Fingernail polish
chipped off and floating onto the filthy floor! Ooooh! Pretty
sparkles amongst the crumbs and menacing looking dustbunnies.
3. Black crown molding seemed
like a good idea too. The perfect little accent in your fucked up idea of
some kind of french country whatever motif you think you know about. But
when the dustbunny monsters have babies (and they're bunnies, so there's lots
of babies), they like to hang off the trim so it looks like grey icicles gently
framing that pretty picture of french country. French country meets
Amityville Horror.
4. Said crown molding is the
perfect spot for decorative pine garland. None of that cheap looking
stuff either. Go for the very realistic pine with fine needles, complete
with a slightly fuzzy look on them that becomes a grizzly bear of fur when you don't
clean them for a long time. Make sure your realistic garland has pine
cones and twigs all over it too so you can look like a complete moron as you
scrub not only every pine needle, but curse like a sailor (or like you normally
do) at having to try and get your rag into every last layer of the pine cone
and actually wash STICKS. Washing sticks is the most ridiculous looking
thing ever, but when they have menacing looking dustbunnies on them waiting to
chew off your arm, you know it's best to scrub the sticks before you close your
eyes that night. Lest you wake up with only one arm. And everyone
knows when you feed the dustbunnies human flesh, they become dust
grizzlies. Big giant ten foot tall ones that will eat you and spit your
out.
Too much Stephen King maybe?
5. Always start at the top of
your cabinets first (see above crown molding, garland scenario). The
dustbunnies fall to the floor and scurry off to their safe places. Like
under the stove. Behind the fridge. Where their big brothers
wait. The dust grizzlies. Who have been munching on the mouse flesh
that makes it into the house. They're not quite ten feet tall yet but
they are the size of a small cat. Which is why I sometimes think I see
cats out of the corner of my eye when both of ours are in plain sight.
And they're feral. Very feral...because they think they are safe under
the stove and behind the fridge...the girl who doesn't clean sticks surely
won't clean there.
6. What the hell is that shit
splattered on the wall at knee level???? It seriously looks like someone
ate my cooking (something chocolate perhaps, judging by the color) and barfed
it up. But not directly on the wall...this looks more like splatter, like
in those drunken moments when you don't quite hit the center of the toilet as
you crouch on the cool tile floor. Not that I know what that's
like. I read about it. Because I read alot.
7. If you're going to randomly
shuffle on Itunes for your cleaning music enjoyment, I suggest making a
cleaning playlist and playing only that. Suddenly hearing John Denver or
Mozart's Requiem doesn't encourage you to continue cleaning. It's hard to
swear vulgarities you are making up in your head while listening to the
eternally happy John Denver, and he's definitely eternally happy now because
he's dead (wrong? too much?) and unless you are beating back the dripping
fangs of the dustbunnies/cats/grizzlies, Requiem is not quite right.
Requiem is for an epic battle. Well, maybe it is ok then.
I'm only about 1/4 done with the
kitchen, and that's a generous estimate. But so far, I have alot of
unanswered questions that maybe I don't want the answers to. Like why I
have Whitesnake on Itunes. What some of those various things are stuck to
the random surfaces in the kitchen. How none of us have died of food
poisoning yet. If our oldest cat is really dead, and the furball
wandering around the house is really a dustbunny/cat/grizzly in
disguise. Why do I constantly say I had two children so I wouldn't
have to do this shit, and then I still do this shit?
No comments:
Post a Comment