Slow Your Roll, Crackhead

Coffee, coffee, coffee, java, espressooooooooooooo.

Yeah, it was "coffee day" at work today.  Makes perfect sense to us, but considering I drink the silky nectar of the gods every day, you may wonder how that's different than any other day.

Well, allow me to elaborate, because my brain is buzzing faster than my fingers can type.  On Thursdays, our local coffee shop is open late.  Usually, they close at two, but not Thursdays.  Oh no, not the beautiful, shining, holy day of Thursday.  So, Thursday afternoons, they start happy hour at 2:00, which means 50 cents off a large espresso drink and hell yes, every Thursday, we are calling an order in with glee.  So, that usual 8-10 shots of espresso per day gets upped upped UP to an extra four.

COFFEE DAY!!!!

Imagine my delight when my son called asking if he could hang out with friends after he got off work.  With the daughter at work until probably 9 tonight, that means mommy is ALOOOOOOONE (yes I howled that) in the house tonight!

COFFEE DAY!!!  ALOOOOOOOONE tonight on a major caffeine buzz and it's Pinterest here I come!  And it's not just perusing Pinterest time, but it's actual DOING Pinterest time!

I just baked pine cones.

Yes, I put pine cones in my oven.

Pinterest says it kills any potential bugs and what Pinterest says, I do.

My pine cones are cooling, and I felt like a giddy school girl ripping open my Amazon box that arrived yesterday.  By the way, isn't Amazon Prime just the shiznit?  I can order cheap little $7 items and they are shipped free and in my grubby little paws in TWO DAYS.  Because it was merely THREE days ago that I looked at all my Pinterest projects for pine cones and realized I really need to do something with the hundreds of pine cones I picked up after the polar vortex hell.

Pine cone firestarters.  Yup, I've got my muffin tins ready, lined with Christmas cupcake liners.  I have no idea why I have Christmas cupcake liners, because I don't make cupcakes at Christmas, but there ya have it.  Pine cones are baked (I had to get that little tip from another pin, but I've had so much espresso that clicking and opening another window was easy peasy).   I've opened the Amazon box and popped all the air bubbles like it was Fourth of July, and did a little jig, dancing to the tune of whatever that loud popping noise was making.  I unpacked my candle string and exclaimed a loud (because it's just me and the cat) "oooooooohhhhhhh".  I AM FEELING CRAFTY.

I have this pretty little cabinet in my mud room.  It's whitewashed with tin inlays on the door, and oh so pretty.  Yes, there IS a point to this and it has nothing to do with all that espresso and it's not like my brain is going 85 miles an hour, I really WILL get to the point.  Because this cabinet matches my oh so pretty iron and wood whitewashed bench, it has to sit in the mudroom.  But there is no way in hell I'm going to put typical mudroom things in it.  It is FAR too pretty for shoes, mittens, hats, and other "right inside the door" things.  So, I decided when I got it that it would hold my candles. 

I have a candle problem.  It's slightly bigger than my shoe problem, which really means it's a HUGE problem.  I love smellies.  Yes, I call them smellies.  The cabinet is FULL of smellies.  Tea light smellies, votive smellies, wax melt smellies, pillar smellies.  You name it, it's in there. 

Pier One (yes I digress, but hello...COFFEE DAY) has this really annoying habit of getting you totally hooked on a scent and then discontinuing it.  Kind of like Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret with their scents, however, I digress from my digression.  So along with my already heinous smellies problem, imagine my joy and delight when college daughter said she was getting a part time job at Pier One.  Angels were singing, light shone from above.  AND imagine what it must have been like getting THAT phone call.  The phone call that makes your stomach flip and a sweat break out.  She informed me that Pier One was clearancing Spice Cake, and it may not be coming back. 

Let me tell you, I broke light speed getting my ass the 40 miles to Pier One.  And I was like a crazy couponer auditioning for a show on TLC.  Hell yes, I cleared that shelf!  I even made little grunting piggy noises while I filled my baskets.

So, the point to that particular transgression is the Pier One haul means that the smellies cabinet is overflowing.  In my Spice Cake gluttony, I have ignored all the other smellies, and they're starting to feel like the last kid picked for a game of dodge ball.

Rounding out the longest digression in the history of blogging (hello....COFFEE DAY), I need wax for my pine cone project.  Preferably scented wax, which SURPRISE, is no problem for me considering I have a SMELLIES CABINET.

So I selected some smellies wax melts I've been ignoring (yummo, Creme Brulee), and realized I need a glass jar to create a double boiler on the stove.  I search cupboards, wondering where that glass jar went that I had out last week for cucumbers and then couldn't find the lid, mind racing, too much espresso.  Then the light bulb goes on...DING!  I threw it out.

Yes, I went there.  I shamefully (maybe not, because there is NO shame when you're racing to the finish line on espresso) and I pulled the garbage bag out of the can under the sink.  My thought process, which granted, is not the most clear when jacked up on java, was the bags are clear, so I will be able to see if the jar is in this particular bag.  My hand slips and gets a handful of, go figure, espresso grounds, and just when I think all hope is lost and I'm about to waste a jar of food, just to have an empty, I see it.  VOILA!  Not the jar I threw away, but a pasta sauce jar.  PRAISE CHEEZITS!    So yes, even less shame, I dug into that garbage bag and grabbed that precious jar, washed it out without even gagging, and I've got my double boiler going with wax.

Seeing that this method of melting the wax down is going to take awhile, I start typing away at this blog and get carried away (shocker considering it's COFFEE DAY), and suddenly remember the wax melting in the kitchen unattended.  No, this is not where I tell you about the glass jar that exploded wax all over my kitchen (though now that I've typed that, I need to go check it again).  I realized, seeing the wax nearly melted and ready, that I need to get those candle wicks wrapped around the pine cones.  NO PROBLEM!  Here's where that espresso kicks in again and I whip through 18 of those babies in no time!  I start pouring wax, realizing these are really big pine cones and they don't want to stand upright very well, but espresso also increases my patience factor (don't ask me how) and I realize if I just hold each one upright for a minute or two, they're fine.

However, I also realize that the pasta sauce wax jar only holds enough wax for about six pine cones.  I stare at my pans realizing I've got 12 more to go and race back to my smellies cabinet for more wax.  Still an overflowing cabinet, so that's really not a problem either, and I select smellies to sacrifice and start chopping them up when I realize these particular smellies are slightly larger than the mouth of the wax jar.  Of course, in my espresso haze, I'm a bit rushed through the process, and now have wax smellies shreds all over my countertops, but by gosh, I got those suckers in the jars and am melting away again.

As I check on that second jar of wax for the sixth time (the chunks were bigger so this one is taking longer), I see that my first batch of pine cone smellies are setting up quite nicely.

PIN WIN.

Of course, I won't REALLY know if it's a pin win until I start a pine cone on fire.  But right now, I don't think this espresso buzz and a lighter are a good match.

*snort*  Match.  Lighter.  FIRE.  get it?

At some point tonight, after the remaining 12 pine cones are properly ensconced in smellies, I'm going to have to work on coming down off this caffeine high, but right now, I'm in too much of a Pinterest euphoria to worry about it.  For now, I shall get up, check my wax, and dance a little jig.

Pin The Tail On the Jackass

The first step in solving a problem is admitting there IS a problem, right?

*deep breath*

I have a Pinterest problem.

It's not the type of Pinterest problem you would assume, however.  I do not spend hours and hours pinning gleefully and then realizing that there are hungry children whimpering in the corners for food while crouched in their own shit.  Probably because they're teen/young adult and can feed and wipe themselves.

My Pinterest problem is it feeds my mental obsession with projects.

I have a vivid imagination.  This spills over into creativity...or at least that side of my brain that thinks I can accomplish great things with nothing more than a set of children's watercolors and duct tape.

It doesn't help that I live in the money pit from hell.  I love this home, and if you were to ever come to my humble abode and actually look around, you would wonder how many times my mother dropped me on my head to make me think this way.  It is a never ending of needs, let alone the wants.  We have sunk more money into it than the dollar amount that was stated on the purchase contract.  We started tearing it apart before we even legally owned it.  And we haven't stopped since.  11 years of discovering what was falling apart, what didn't work, what crumbled, what leaked, and there does not seem to be an end in sight.  And Pinterest does not help this never ending run of repairs.

Even though the laundry/utility room was renovated eight years ago, it's not "pretty".  But on Pinterest, there are PRETTY laundry rooms.  Laundry rooms that make you want to do the same laundry over and over.

C'mon...look at this thing.  It's got a CHANDELIER in it!  Not some utilitarian light fixture filled with bugs.  It's a happy place, and did it ever occur to anyone that a laundry room is a happy place???  Oh hell no, not until this pin appeared on Pinterest.

So now, there is a cuter than cute bright flowered curtain with a matching bright rug waiting on one of the shelves in my laundry room.  It's waiting, because my demanding little brain wants it installed perfectly so it covers the area the water heater and softener reside, and I have not yet added this little project to my honeydo list.  It may seem like a nagging, bossy thing to do, but I KNOW (like I know I'm the only person who takes laundry out of the dryer) that if it's not in big black marker on a list, it is forgotten.  This isn't a fault...this is fact.

My demanding brain also seems to think that the installation of said rug and curtain will mean my laundry room looks like this organized little piece of colorful heaven.  I will no longer find laundry that didn't make it into the hamper.  I will not feel like I'm walking on gravel as I pass by the litter box.  I will not find random bras and motorcycle gear hanging on the drying rack.  It will be picture perfect because I installed a curtain and rug.  It will be laundry bliss.

Thank you Pinterest, for fulfilling my dreams.

Pinterest also guarantees I will have a spotless microwave, oven, dishwasher, and shower.  Pinterest has very obviously never lived with boys.  I tried that super-steam clean your microwave trick, and then sliced open my hand when Pinterest failed to tell me that my microwave has a sharp edge just near the top of the interior.  Not only did the steam clean not work on boy-radiation-crust, but it didn't help that I then had blood to clean up.  Pinterest also didn't tell me that the self clean option on my oven works better when you actually use it more than once a year.  And the dishwasher?  HA!  Where's the pin for finding Supermouse residing in it???  And living with a well doesn't really mix well with a fun little shower cleaner of vinegar and dish detergent.  Show me a pin that uses a jackhammer and battery acid, and I might believe I can once again, have a clean shower.

I digress.  So before this turns into a rant about needing a maid, let's move back to the Pinterest problem.

I actually have used quite a few Pins successfully.  I've cooked quite a few meals, some winners, some not.  STAY AWAY FROM CHICKEN PUKIAKI IN THE CROCK POT.  Yes, PUKIAKI, because when something smells like fresh vomit, you can't even get a starving teenage boy to try it.  Pinning fashion is not just a virtual make believe shopping trip, it has inspired many outfits worn to work, saving more time in the mornings for espresso consumption and online tomfoolery.  It helped me plan a graduation party, goodies for Christmas, and organized my makeup brushes.  You know, the important things in life, because digging for that highlighter brush is a pain in the ass when you've only downed three shots of espresso before realizing you're running late for work because of your online tomfoolery.

It's easy to forget what you've pinned.  And here, is the crux of the Pinterest problem.  Pinterest is not a problem UNLESS you actually look at your boards.  You know, those boards you name for craft projects.  Not simple little sewing projects, or a wish to learn how to crochet.  Craft boards that show how to use serving trays for jewelry or perfume...serving trays you see cheap every time you're at the local junk store, but since your nose isn't in your phone every time you are there, you don't think to actually pick a $1 tray up to see if you can use it.  The cute picture frame door hanging with the giant initial, that reminds you that there was a giant initial you asked honey of the honeydo list to spray paint for you and you haven't seen it since.  Various projects using old windows that make you wonder where that old window went last year...the one that you said "NO ONE throw this out, because I can make something with it".  The old window that you've searched everywhere for, and yet you can't find.  The "how to" on removing popcorn from ceilings that you pinned because not only does your living area have popcorn ceilings, but some asshat went to town on that shit and sprayed popcorn on the walls as well.  The outdoor projects that stare you in the face reminding you that all you have accomplished this year is pruning and weeding and the discovery of corpses.  You haven't yet picked up a bowling ball to paint it like a cute little ladybug.  You haven't used your leftover bricks to make a gutter drainage path, hell, you haven't used those leftover bricks for anything except to make a neat little stack on the well head.  You've gathered pine cones, but haven't actually decided on which pine cone craft you've pinned will be the winner.  You haven't finished the birdhouse you started painting over the loooong winter, or even mixed up the weed killer recipe you pinned.

I even have a board titled "Summer projects".  Kind of like a list to make you accountable to at least get one or two things done.  I should be proud that of the 8 (yes, only EIGHT) pins, I have done one.  Sure, it was the easiest one that included sticking flowers in a pair of cute rain boots.  My gawd, give me an award.  The gigantor project, the one I really, really want done, is the tree stump project.  You see, we took down a giant tree last year and there's this big gaping hole in the sky now.  We had to leave a rather large stump because the tree was so big, and I have this bright idea to turn it into a gnome house.  Or fairy house.  Or rabbit house for shelter from the Chupacabra.  Whatever I call it, it is far better than staring at that sad, folorn trunk.  It will have a roof, windows, and a door.

It will be far larger than this one, but you get the idea.  I definitely got the idea, and proceeded to pick up old picture frames, which I HAVE painted white.  However, I have done nothing with them since.  I have the bright idea to put little curtains on them, and even have the fabric to do so.  I have not found a door, no cute little window box, and certainly no roof.  Though the roof IS on the honeydo list in big black letters, so there's the very large possibility the roof will be done before I get any other part finished.

Pinterest, today, I hate you.  You have thrown my slacker status in my face.  You have pointed your finger and laughed at me.  You have glared at me with your board of only eight items and said "you suck".  I could blame it on working.  I could blame it on running a  household alone five days a week.  I would love to blame it on a college student home for the summer who is disrupting my zen with her piles of shit everywhere.  But no, Pinterest, I will swallow my pride and say that my imagination is too big for my ambition. 

I hang my head in shame.

I go back on Pinterest and pin some more.