I read a blog post today that urged me to type like a maniac. I love that kind, because I frequently find myself not wanting to take the time to spill more than a brief thought onto the Internet.
The posting deals with the author's thoughts on what appears to be an "anti-child" movement. More on that later, as I have a million thoughts racing in my head to nearly everything posted, and will work my way through them from the beginning of the post, to end.
If you didn't see the glaring highlighters linking you to the original post, it can be found HERE.
The blogger's thoughts were in response to comments made on an article about a mother and daughter both giving birth on the same day, in the same hospital. It seems there were plenty of negative comments. I can't say I'm shocked. Not because of the content of the article, but because it's a comments section on the Internet. Give a Debbie Downer a keyboard, and they'll go to town on anything that spurns any type of reaction in them. Hell, I've seen nasty comments on everything from rescue stories, to weather reports. Even the happiest of feel good postings can end up with some person mired in their own shit trying to spread their poo poo on everyone's parade.
Like the saying goes, "Opinions are like assholes...everyone's got one.".
So I suppose my first point would be to skim comments, if you're going to read them at all.
That being said, occasionally, the comments people make can certainly inspire us to speak our own thoughts on a matter. Nothing wrong with that, and I think healthy discussion on differing viewpoints is one of the greater things about Internetland.
However, the blogger admits she's going out on a limb, and assuming all the women responding negatively probably consider themselves pro-choice.
CRINGE #1
Assumptions make me cringe. Cringe in a big way. That's not just going out on a limb, that's jumping the Grand Canyon with a bicycle. Especially considering we're talking about comments made on an Internet article. I've blogged before about the Internet giving everyone a voice, and with that, comes the negative of many times seeing something you just do not agree with on any level. But we certainly should not assume to know exactly what category to box that commenter in. One comment on a post absolutely does not dictate their beliefs, give an all-encompassing label, or designate a politcial, moral, or spiritual view unless the poster specifically states as much within that comment. Slapping a label of any kind on a person instantly puts them in a rigid category that does not allow for understanding, or encourage discussion. It is isolating, and puts up a wall in our own minds from being open to other people. That's not to say we have to agree, but we also don't have to create divides by categorizing what we don't agree with, or understand. It instantly shuts down an opportunity for growth within ourselves. Pretty much in the same way the naysayers have themselves by making the negative comments in the first place.
"Sadly, the majority of self-proclaimed feminists I've run across tout sexual freedom but condemn pregnancy and motherhood."
CRINGE #2
Again, another assumption, based upon our own personal experiences. A habit I myself, have had a hard time correcting. But the world is a big place. A really big place. And we all have our own little corner of it, that if we are to be the best person we can possibly be, needs to expand beyond our tiny, minute little space. And short of everyone wearing a tshirt with every label that applies to them, we cannot possibly know what the majority is. How many self proclaimed feminists have you actually run across? I would hope the number would be a giant "I don't know" since I don't know anyone with it tattooed across their forehead. Yes, people blog, write articles, have public discussion, but that does not even begin to encompass the hundreds, thousands, or even millions of people who could perhaps identify themselves with the same ideology. And we're certainly not going to be bringing these types of things up in normal conversation. I'm not going to instantly ask someone if they identify as a (insert label here) while having a discussion of any type with them. I won't be filing that information away in my brain so I can then later assume I know how people think when I hear that particular label brought up. I won't develop an all-encompassing picture of a feminist based upon my experience in my own world.
Are there feminists with this viewpoint? I'm sure there are. I'm also sure there are many who are not. Condemning pregnancy and motherhood is a pretty broad stroke, and quite frankly, were someone to actually hold motherhood or pregnancy in such ill regard, I'd be thankful they were not reproducing.
"Many of the younger generation of feminists proclaim pregnancy and birth to be gross, disgusting, and "stupid". "
CRINGE #3
Well, when you get to the actual physics of it, pregnancy and birth CAN be pretty damn gross. Pooping is gross too, but we've gotta do it. And once you're incubating spawn, they kind of have to come out at some point, and it can be messy. Disgusting and stupid? That's a bit much, but if someone feels that way, it's probably best they don't get pregnant then, since your opinion on the matter pretty much goes out the door once you decide to have a child. I wouldn't call that kind of viewpoint as "feminist" in the least, even if they want to label themselves as much. And younger generation is pretty much equaling immature in this context, especially when throwing out such casual remarks as that. I don't find it offensive to hear it called stupid or disgusting, as childbirth and motherhood really is not everyone's cup of tea. I read a statement like that and just think it could be worded better, especially if someone is trying to get their point across in how they may not think motherhood is the right choice for them. I certainly won't categorize the thinking of a younger group of women, especially when they have so many years to allow life's experiences to soften their thinking, round out their views, and learn how to listen to what they may not understand. And wouldn't it be wonderful, if we older women, with our years under our belts, took the time to try to understand, or at least be open to HEARING, if not agreeing? Each day on this earth is an opportunity to share ourselves, grow, change, and enjoy the flexibility of being human beings with independent thoughts.
"While many feminists choose not to be mothers themselves, are they not contracting the definition of feminism ( Belief in or advocacy of women's social, political, and economic rights, especially with regard to equality of the sexes) when they call other women "breeders" and look down upon their choice to procreate? "
CRINGE #4
First of all, I simply can not believe that MANY feminists choose not to be mothers. Do women, without any other label, choose to not be mothers? Yes. But unless there is a check box for "feminist" on your tax return, I just can't jump to that conclusion. I'm sure some who call themselves feminist are not mothers. Many? Again, assumptions. And where are these women throwing out names like "breeders"? I have never, in my life, heard that word uttered out loud. Have I seen it in print on the Internet? Definitely, usually on sites catering to the mommy wars. And there's really nothing productive in women arguing over who is mothering, or not mothering best. These sites, blogs, and opinion pieces do nothing but create division and insecurity, when as women, we owe it to ourselves to support and lift up one another. I have no use for them, and find them to be an incredible waste of time better spent in looking for positive and supportive pieces. If I were to see words like "breeder" being thrown around, I certainly would not be able to take it seriously, as this type of vocabulary is only used to incite a strong negative response. It is simply not worth engaging.
And if someone wants to look down upon a woman's choice to procreate? Have at it. It really has no bearing on a woman's womb. There will always be people who don't agree with our choices. Who cares? My choices are mine, and I can gladly say I'm at a point in my life when even the strongest opinions or negative comments don't make me feel like my lifestyle is attacked. I don't feel the need to defend or explain anything, especially when reading something on the Internet that has no effect on my own personal life. Hell, I won't even ask for fairness or equality in thinking...if someone wants to turn their nose up at my own life because it does not match their own, all I can muster is a shrug and an "oh well". It may make them a walking contradiction, but that's ok, my womb is still intact and I'm free to do with it as I please.
"We are living in an age that is anti-child."
CRINGE #5
No. We are not. We are living in an age when opinions reach across the globe, instead of just next door. If I want to read about homosexuals being pedophiles, an absolutely RIDICULOUS and ABSURD claim, I only need to type in a word search on Google. Does that mean it's true? Does it make it fact? Does it make it the universal thought of society? Absolutely, unequivocally, NO. The negative opinions of the world are the loudest, but that doesn't mean they are the most accurate.
Now, all that being said, I completely understand where this blog is coming from. It's the ever-so-popular mommy wars, rooted in that choice of whether or not to become a mom. But, whatever our choices, opinions, or thoughts on the matter, we are first and foremost human beings sharing the same world. We need to know how to express our thoughts as our own, without lumping others into categories, slapping labels on them, or tying them up into a box. We need to stop making assumptions about each other, and by all means, refrain from dividing each other just because we don't live, eat, breathe, and think the same. We will always encounter negative thinking about how life should be lived. But if we can refrain from engaging these negative thoughts, we can help stop perpetuating it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Invisible Friends...Part 2
As I settle in for my quiet time, meditation music playing in my ears, I keep reflecting on what I wrote earlier tonight about Invisible Friends.
There is more.
So much more.
The advantage to a computer screen is first impressions differ from the first impressions we experience in our "real" world. I can not immediately make assumptions based upon the way you look. I won't be forming a response as a person is speaking. Instead, I am reading, understanding (hopefully), and then responding. People take turns. I can ask for clarification and actually receive it. It actually takes time to form an opinion on whether this is a person you want to share your world with.
In doing so, as said before, I have formed extremely close friendships with women I normally would not approach on the street. And I have benefited greatly from that.
I have learned patience. In the way I interact with people on the job, with my children, with my family, with my spouse.
I have learned how to be a better parent. We have an un-named book of parenting in our circle. We reference it often. We try things out, we toss them. We bounce ideas, punishments, motivations off each other. We gain insight from those who have experienced it already. We lovingly support each other's children, feeling as if we are all aunties or guardian angels to each other's offspring. We celebrate the milestones. We worry like 25 mother chicks over one egg. We anxiously await what happens when one of us pees on a stick. We cry when there is loss. I am better to my own children, because I am surrounded by the 25 best mothers I've ever known.
I am inspired by their creativeness. I celebrate their talents. Their photography, teaching, sewing, entrepreneurship, writing, craftiness, beauty routines, and so many other talents and skills. I have my own tailored women's magazine at my fingertips through my circle of friends. They are inspiring. They motivate me to practice my own skills and better myself.
I learned how to grieve. Through each of our losses, in the support we offer each other, I have been able to celebrate the lives that have left my own world. Through our circle of love, I have been able to let go, say goodbyes, and lean on their incredible strength when I am at my lowest.
I have learned spirituality. As an atheist, it would be easy to scoff at religion. But our circle has taught me differing religions and views. It has shown me true faith. I have seen the embodiment of Christianity. I love them more for it, than if they were women who believed the same as me. It has taught me a respect for differing belief systems, even when they don't agree with my own.
I have embraced "letting go". Because of my dear friends, I am less mired in the ills of the world. I have been taught what is truly important in our precious lives, and that is the relationships we form, and the impact we have upon people. In a world mired in negativity, they shine brightly and above all things.
I have learned the various ways of educating our youth. From private schools, homeschoolers, cyberschool, public schools, and all the problems that can go with each, I have also learned what the positives are. I have seen how each child learns differently, watched their children blossom with how they each choose to educate. I have reached for help when I feel like the daily drudgery of school is more than I can handle, and I have gotten answers and help I would normally have sought for much longer. They are each a teacher in their own right, not just in relationship to their own children, but to all of ours as a whole, as we teach each other in so many ways.
I have learned how to forgive. And be forgiven. They have shown me how to set boundaries, and not feel guilty for it. I have learned what a heartfelt apology really is. I have been hurt. I have loved enough to be hurt and then forgive. And to move on. They taught me that incredibly valuable lesson.
I have learned about bigotry and racism. The difficulties of keeping marriages together. The stresses of military families. I have been taught lessons on things I could never experience myself. The diversity of our circle has helped cement our bond. I would never have developed empathy for certain things without these women in my life.
I'm sure there is so much more I will think of once I actually post this, but the meditation music is quickly becoming the sleepy music. Wrapping up, for all the ills of the internet, it has given me something that life in a small rural town would never have been able to give me. My invisible friends have given me the precious gift of constantly becoming the best person I can be. They improve my world, and what I put out into the world.
Priceless, my dear friends.
You are priceless.
There is more.
So much more.
The advantage to a computer screen is first impressions differ from the first impressions we experience in our "real" world. I can not immediately make assumptions based upon the way you look. I won't be forming a response as a person is speaking. Instead, I am reading, understanding (hopefully), and then responding. People take turns. I can ask for clarification and actually receive it. It actually takes time to form an opinion on whether this is a person you want to share your world with.
In doing so, as said before, I have formed extremely close friendships with women I normally would not approach on the street. And I have benefited greatly from that.
I have learned patience. In the way I interact with people on the job, with my children, with my family, with my spouse.
I have learned how to be a better parent. We have an un-named book of parenting in our circle. We reference it often. We try things out, we toss them. We bounce ideas, punishments, motivations off each other. We gain insight from those who have experienced it already. We lovingly support each other's children, feeling as if we are all aunties or guardian angels to each other's offspring. We celebrate the milestones. We worry like 25 mother chicks over one egg. We anxiously await what happens when one of us pees on a stick. We cry when there is loss. I am better to my own children, because I am surrounded by the 25 best mothers I've ever known.
I am inspired by their creativeness. I celebrate their talents. Their photography, teaching, sewing, entrepreneurship, writing, craftiness, beauty routines, and so many other talents and skills. I have my own tailored women's magazine at my fingertips through my circle of friends. They are inspiring. They motivate me to practice my own skills and better myself.
I learned how to grieve. Through each of our losses, in the support we offer each other, I have been able to celebrate the lives that have left my own world. Through our circle of love, I have been able to let go, say goodbyes, and lean on their incredible strength when I am at my lowest.
I have learned spirituality. As an atheist, it would be easy to scoff at religion. But our circle has taught me differing religions and views. It has shown me true faith. I have seen the embodiment of Christianity. I love them more for it, than if they were women who believed the same as me. It has taught me a respect for differing belief systems, even when they don't agree with my own.
I have embraced "letting go". Because of my dear friends, I am less mired in the ills of the world. I have been taught what is truly important in our precious lives, and that is the relationships we form, and the impact we have upon people. In a world mired in negativity, they shine brightly and above all things.
I have learned the various ways of educating our youth. From private schools, homeschoolers, cyberschool, public schools, and all the problems that can go with each, I have also learned what the positives are. I have seen how each child learns differently, watched their children blossom with how they each choose to educate. I have reached for help when I feel like the daily drudgery of school is more than I can handle, and I have gotten answers and help I would normally have sought for much longer. They are each a teacher in their own right, not just in relationship to their own children, but to all of ours as a whole, as we teach each other in so many ways.
I have learned how to forgive. And be forgiven. They have shown me how to set boundaries, and not feel guilty for it. I have learned what a heartfelt apology really is. I have been hurt. I have loved enough to be hurt and then forgive. And to move on. They taught me that incredibly valuable lesson.
I have learned about bigotry and racism. The difficulties of keeping marriages together. The stresses of military families. I have been taught lessons on things I could never experience myself. The diversity of our circle has helped cement our bond. I would never have developed empathy for certain things without these women in my life.
I'm sure there is so much more I will think of once I actually post this, but the meditation music is quickly becoming the sleepy music. Wrapping up, for all the ills of the internet, it has given me something that life in a small rural town would never have been able to give me. My invisible friends have given me the precious gift of constantly becoming the best person I can be. They improve my world, and what I put out into the world.
Priceless, my dear friends.
You are priceless.
Invisible Friends
I have a lovely circle of invisible friends.
No, not unicorns that sit on my dash, big eyes glittering, understanding every word I mutter under my breath.
Though Charlie is a fantastic pal to have, life is not complete without a pile of kittens.
The exodus of the kitten pile started eight years ago. I was on a social networking site for moms and one day decided to randomly join some groups designated for debating. At that time, I enjoyed a lively discussion over differing viewpoints, and thought I might meet some pretty cool cats along the way.
I had no idea.
As is the way of the woman, things would get bitchy. Catty, if you will. Gather any large numbers of estrogen, and you're going to see the claws come out. Occasionally, the cray cray made an appearance, and you'd be left sitting at your computer thankful there was hundreds if not thousands of miles separating you from some of these people. As dominant personalities emerged, so did the loonies. So much so, that after nearly a year, things reached a peak of crazy-dom, and it was decided that several of us needed to go find out own safe corner of the site.
We called ourselves kittens, perhaps because of my own love of fuzzy little furballs, but also with the belief that even fuzzy little furballs have claws that can easily draw blood. The exodus of women from the crazy group imploding was astronomical. Obviously, I wasn't the only one tired of trying to guess when the next toddler tantrum would rear its ugly head.
This happened in late 2007, and by early 2008, we were debating everything from parenting options, local and world events, to politics. And with politics, came the 2008 elections.
I pause for a moment...remembering. Those '08 elections. Damn. The only time in my life I truly got passionate, and yes, a tad crazy, over a presidential race. And boy, did that kind of crazy come out in all kinds of ways in our group that year. In between the forming friendships, there were some really heated discussions. Occasionally, discussions that involved hurling insults, name calling, and fire breathing radical views. I know those '08 elections sent alot of people into hiding who did not come out until the dust had settled, if they returned at all.
Looking back, I don't blame them. It was pure lunacy for several months in there. But when the dust settled, many of us licking our wounds, we settled back into lighthearted debate and asking for advice. Some wounds may have never healed, some friendships shifted, some strengthened. What also seemed to happen is so many of us started losing the desire to debate with each other. The same happened for me when a personal crisis happened shortly after the elections were over. I no longer needed to discuss what was going on at that time in the world, but I sure as hell needed friends to lean on.
And that's exactly what I got.
We all eventually left that mom's site, or merely stuck around for other groups we participated in. But the kittens had found each other on Facebook, and suddenly, life was no longer about debating. It was about the very real friendships that seemed to have come out of a site that catered to the sanctimommies of the world.
Several years on Facebook, and a group of women that numbered in the hundreds, has now whittled down to a circle of 25. There are still other kittens who we've kept in touch with and still keep up to date with on Facebook. But those 25. Damn...it's like the inner circle that can not be broken. Not in the sense of some kind of clique or club, but in the most genuine, precious friendships that can possibly exist. Through the years, we have shared births, deaths, illness, marriage, divorce, family issues, relationship issues, and every happiness and joy we needed to immediately share and shout from the rooftops. We know the personal, intimate details of each other's lives. We laugh, cry, celebrate, feel pain, feel joy. We are the soft place to land when life kicks us in the teeth. We are the hug (even if it's virtual) that you need at the end of a very difficult day. We have already seen each other at our worst, we have fought, we have hurt.
But we love.
We love each other fiercely. Without demands. Without an expected return. We are individuals, from all walks of life. All ages. All different stages of life. We come from different backgrounds, economics, and religions. We are vastly different, and had we all lived in the same town, it is likely we would not have formed the friendship we have by learning about each other online. A couple of us weren't even part of the debating groups, yet they feel as if they have always been there with us from the beginning. We support each other in every way possible, and in some pretty amazing ways, considering we are scattered across this country.
Occasionally, the planets align perfectly so that we may finally "meet" one of our invisible friends. And when that happens, it is MAGIC. There are the initial butterflies, which could easily be mistaken for nervousness or anxiety. The initial thoughts of wondering if it will be the same in person as it is online. But as we've occasionally gotten opportunities to meet, we've all begun to realize that the butterflies weren't nerves...it was anticipation, and sheer joy. Because after the initial squeal of delight and hug, it is like we have returned home from a very long trip away. The conversation picks up wherever it last let off with an ease that can not be forced. And parting from a visit is a mix of gratitude for the time together, and tears at having to leave. There is an easiness to time with each others spouses and children, as we have experienced the relationships together, and watched the children grow. We are family.
Through all the friendships in life, I had no clue that friendship could be this. To love other women so passionately. To see, through the years, the better person we become by being loved. To know that I could hop in my car, knock on a door unexpectedly, and have a shoulder to lean on. That at any hour of the day, I've got a circle of amazing women who have my back, who will be my strength, who are my joy. Who actually enjoy hearing the mundane and routine of my day, as much as I enjoy hearing theirs.
Invisible friends. If you don't have one...get one. It is precious beyond anything you can imagine.
No, not unicorns that sit on my dash, big eyes glittering, understanding every word I mutter under my breath.
 | ||
| My Charlie buddy |
The exodus of the kitten pile started eight years ago. I was on a social networking site for moms and one day decided to randomly join some groups designated for debating. At that time, I enjoyed a lively discussion over differing viewpoints, and thought I might meet some pretty cool cats along the way.
I had no idea.
As is the way of the woman, things would get bitchy. Catty, if you will. Gather any large numbers of estrogen, and you're going to see the claws come out. Occasionally, the cray cray made an appearance, and you'd be left sitting at your computer thankful there was hundreds if not thousands of miles separating you from some of these people. As dominant personalities emerged, so did the loonies. So much so, that after nearly a year, things reached a peak of crazy-dom, and it was decided that several of us needed to go find out own safe corner of the site.
We called ourselves kittens, perhaps because of my own love of fuzzy little furballs, but also with the belief that even fuzzy little furballs have claws that can easily draw blood. The exodus of women from the crazy group imploding was astronomical. Obviously, I wasn't the only one tired of trying to guess when the next toddler tantrum would rear its ugly head.
This happened in late 2007, and by early 2008, we were debating everything from parenting options, local and world events, to politics. And with politics, came the 2008 elections.
I pause for a moment...remembering. Those '08 elections. Damn. The only time in my life I truly got passionate, and yes, a tad crazy, over a presidential race. And boy, did that kind of crazy come out in all kinds of ways in our group that year. In between the forming friendships, there were some really heated discussions. Occasionally, discussions that involved hurling insults, name calling, and fire breathing radical views. I know those '08 elections sent alot of people into hiding who did not come out until the dust had settled, if they returned at all.
Looking back, I don't blame them. It was pure lunacy for several months in there. But when the dust settled, many of us licking our wounds, we settled back into lighthearted debate and asking for advice. Some wounds may have never healed, some friendships shifted, some strengthened. What also seemed to happen is so many of us started losing the desire to debate with each other. The same happened for me when a personal crisis happened shortly after the elections were over. I no longer needed to discuss what was going on at that time in the world, but I sure as hell needed friends to lean on.
And that's exactly what I got.
We all eventually left that mom's site, or merely stuck around for other groups we participated in. But the kittens had found each other on Facebook, and suddenly, life was no longer about debating. It was about the very real friendships that seemed to have come out of a site that catered to the sanctimommies of the world.
Several years on Facebook, and a group of women that numbered in the hundreds, has now whittled down to a circle of 25. There are still other kittens who we've kept in touch with and still keep up to date with on Facebook. But those 25. Damn...it's like the inner circle that can not be broken. Not in the sense of some kind of clique or club, but in the most genuine, precious friendships that can possibly exist. Through the years, we have shared births, deaths, illness, marriage, divorce, family issues, relationship issues, and every happiness and joy we needed to immediately share and shout from the rooftops. We know the personal, intimate details of each other's lives. We laugh, cry, celebrate, feel pain, feel joy. We are the soft place to land when life kicks us in the teeth. We are the hug (even if it's virtual) that you need at the end of a very difficult day. We have already seen each other at our worst, we have fought, we have hurt.
But we love.
We love each other fiercely. Without demands. Without an expected return. We are individuals, from all walks of life. All ages. All different stages of life. We come from different backgrounds, economics, and religions. We are vastly different, and had we all lived in the same town, it is likely we would not have formed the friendship we have by learning about each other online. A couple of us weren't even part of the debating groups, yet they feel as if they have always been there with us from the beginning. We support each other in every way possible, and in some pretty amazing ways, considering we are scattered across this country.
Occasionally, the planets align perfectly so that we may finally "meet" one of our invisible friends. And when that happens, it is MAGIC. There are the initial butterflies, which could easily be mistaken for nervousness or anxiety. The initial thoughts of wondering if it will be the same in person as it is online. But as we've occasionally gotten opportunities to meet, we've all begun to realize that the butterflies weren't nerves...it was anticipation, and sheer joy. Because after the initial squeal of delight and hug, it is like we have returned home from a very long trip away. The conversation picks up wherever it last let off with an ease that can not be forced. And parting from a visit is a mix of gratitude for the time together, and tears at having to leave. There is an easiness to time with each others spouses and children, as we have experienced the relationships together, and watched the children grow. We are family.
Through all the friendships in life, I had no clue that friendship could be this. To love other women so passionately. To see, through the years, the better person we become by being loved. To know that I could hop in my car, knock on a door unexpectedly, and have a shoulder to lean on. That at any hour of the day, I've got a circle of amazing women who have my back, who will be my strength, who are my joy. Who actually enjoy hearing the mundane and routine of my day, as much as I enjoy hearing theirs.
Invisible friends. If you don't have one...get one. It is precious beyond anything you can imagine.
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