I'm Listening

I've written about the need to shut the fuck up and just listen before.  At that particular purging of thoughts, I was railing about the incessant need to be right, which then leads to people not truly listening to what others have to say.

However, now I delve into a far more serious aspect of listening. 

The voices of our young adults.

Yeah, yeah, there's thousand of memes, posts, and blogging rants out there about the trials and tribulations of raising teenagers.  As adults, we love to roll our eyes, and commiserate over having teens in the house.  It is a solidarity of parents when we make wisecracks about the survival of the teen years.

However, I'm going to drop the facade of being surrounded by teen angst, and hopefully get a message out to those young adults.  It is a message I feel is very important, and it must be purged from my brain before I explode in a litany of expletives like no other.

Just one week ago, I sat in a library meeting room discussing our monthly book club's choice of Catcher In The Rye.  It's a love or hate book.  There really is no middle ground, and you will either find it an absolute waste of time, or have it tug at your heart and brain.  I was the latter, finding that though Holden Caufield may come across initially as a whiny, spoiled little rich kid, I was also delving into the mind of a very depressed 16 year old young man.  It reminded my adult brain that as we grow and mature, it is very easy to expect the world around us to grow and mature right along with is.  It becomes too easy to lose touch with the teenage brain, because quite frankly, no matter what kind of teenage years we personally each have survived, I do not know a single one of us that would love to repeat them again.  I so clearly remember saying, with every amount of determination I could muster, "I so hope that I would pick up on the signs of such clear depression and be able to help."

How ironic, now that I look back on it.

Just two short days later, a friend of my son's died.

Cause of death has not been formally confirmed.  As a parent, there is a part of me that completely understands wanting to maintain privacy during such a tragedy.  But also, as a parent, I find myself at a loss as to how to help my son work through his grief without knowing what has happened, other than his friend being gone.  We went through the immediate notifications from the school, with counselors being available to students and parents for a few hours on the weekend.  I did not know what to expect sending my son back to school on Monday, only knowing it would be a difficult day as the reality of his friend being gone set in.

My disappointment in our school system has slowly built throughout this week.  Once school was back in session on Monday, not a word has been said by administration and nearly all staff in regards to the loss of one of their students.  My son has attended classes in which it seemed as if nothing has happened and it's business as usual. 

Now, that being said, I need to give credit to the handful of staff who have addressed the death of a classmate head on.  Their show of emotion and their own grief was absolutely what their students needed to see this week.  It allowed them to know that their loss is palpable, and it is completely within their rights as human beings to NOT be OK.  By showing their own feelings, they are telling their students that it is not just another normal day, and most importantly, they are listening.

Residing in a rural community often means that even when privacy is requested, it just is not going to happen.  People have scanners, and they love their gossip.  I abhor gossip, but working with the public means I cannot avoid it.  That being said, the word "suicide" has been said repeatedly, not only amongst the general public, but amongst the students as well.

Even without the cause of death being made public, I think it is important that any time suicide is so widely discussed, it is an opportunity to get a message across to our young adults.  The Suicide Prevention Resource Center says "If the family refuses to permit disclosure, schools can state, 'The family has requested that information about the cause of death not be shared at this time.' and can nevertheless use the opportunity to talk with students about the phenomenon of suicide:  We know there has been alot of talk about whether this was a suicide death.  Since the subject of suicide has been raised, we want to take this opportunity to give you accurate information about suicide in general, ways to prevent it, and how to get help if you or someone you know is feeling depressed or may be suicidal. "

Remaining silent is not OK.

Let me repeat.

Silence is NOT OK.

I know there is the fear of "suicide contagion".   According to the SPRC, contagion is the process by which one suicide may contribute to another.  However, contagion is relatively rare, accounting for 1-5% of all suicides annually.  In addition, it is recommended that if there is a fear of contagion, administrators should take ADDITIONAL steps beyond a basic crisis response, NOT a complete lack of any response at all.

Remaining silent is damaging and heartbreaking in so many ways.  It projects an attitude of "just forget about it" at a time when it is going to be the foremost thought in their heads.  It dismisses their feelings about their grief, about their friendships that they value, and about the helplessness they may be feeling.  Gossip runs rampant about the "why", when in fact, the why does not matter.  What matters is that when a person is in emotional distress, we need to make sure as adults that will will always listen.  Not only when they are in emotional distress over the loss of a friend, but the depression and mental illness that can affect so many of our young adults.

Our young adults need to know that WE ARE LISTENING.  Their thoughts, emotions, sadness, and trials are worth listening to.  We've all been there...we were all teenagers once.  I so clearly remember hopping off the bus with my best friend in high school, and screaming a feral yell at the top of our lungs just prior to opening those high school doors and entering for the day.  We did it frequently, because it was the best way we knew how to release that pent up frustration or anger building in our brains.  Being a teenager is not easy, especially now with all the expectations of perfection and achievement that reflects upon a parent in a society that is so open to broadcasting and sharing our daily lives.

When we remain silent, when we do not discuss a tragedy or a great loss, we send a message that we are not willing to listen.  Whether that is our intent or not, that is what our youth are learning.  And what a terrible feeling that must be to those who are grieving.

So, dear teenagers, I am listening.  Your thoughts matter.  YOU MATTER.   The teenage years suck.  They SUCK BAD.  Alot of it is just plain old survival...but most importantly, above all else, you need to survive.  Because there is a future out there full of joys, happiness, and experiences you can not yet imagine.  And there is nothing more exciting to a parent than seeing their child step off that cliff of the teenage years and SOAR AND FLY. 

Let your frustrations out.  Expel the anger and the disappointments.  Just as screaming in front of a high school door released a little bit of angst each day, reaching out and saying "help" will release that heavy burden on your shoulders.  Cry.  Yell.  There ARE people listening, regardless of the message you have been receiving.  Do not EVER forget that.

There is darkness, but there is also light.  It is OK to need some help to find it.  It's human to not be OK, and it is also our job as human beings in this beautiful world to tell you that WE ARE LISTENING.