Whatever, ya bastard.
However, what I really want to rant and rave about, or at least get on my high horse/unicorn named Charlie, is a parenting struggle I witness nearly every day.
The inability, or unwillingness, to just say NO.
When did NO become the dirty word of the day?
I'm not going to venture a guess that in this world of whining, pissing, moaning, and channeling our inner Eeyore that we've removed the word NO from our vocabulary. But it sure is in short supply where dealing with children are concerned, and I have to ponder why. Because I like to ponder such inane bullshit...it passes the time while the snow that was supposed to be gone continues to fall.
Obviously, since I do not have an open door policy to every rugrat on the block, I am witness to this anti-NO campaign while I am out in public. Being a parent of older children, and a professional user of the word NO, I bemoan it's absence in my daily struggles of looking socially acceptable with a smile on my face. Instead, I am witness to ignoring, cajoling, rationalizing, cooing, coddling, and yes, even whining. But not the dreaded word NO.
There are several types of the anti-NO campaigners. Allow me to share my completely useless observations, and of course, feel free to see if any of these seem familiar to you. Perhaps, without even realizing it, you are part of the anti-NO movement. There's t-shirts available, should you decide to proclaim your solidarity.
1. The IGNORER: I'd call it the oblivious, but no one can be oblivious to junior's antics when he decides to climb clothing racks. Or enter store rooms. Or stand on chairs. Crawl on the floor under the men's jeans. Wander into a lower level, or better yet, on a sunny day, completely out of the store and into the street. I don't know what's going through the Ignorer's brain. Possibly the three Xanax they popped at 8AM with the whiskey spiked coffee? But I can assure you, I have had to alert plenty an Ignorer to their child's antics. Even when said child is screeching at full volume while using clothing racks as monkey bars. The entire downtown can hear the child, but the Ignorer apparently can not. The Ignorer just continues to shop, and when I have to finally say something, they act as if I've thrown ice cubes down their shirt and exclaim their shock over the banshee wailing and romping that has gone on right under their nose. But do the say NO? *hysterical laughter* Well, they do usually say things like "those ladies are going to get mad at you if you don't stop". Because god forbid Junior have any notion of mom getting mad. Oh hell no, mommy loves you, you precious wee snowflake, perfect spawn of my loins. Mommy would NEVER put such negativity on your fragile, developing ego, because Mommy is the good guy. Mommy is going to blame the store employees for ruining your fun.
Sigh.
2. The THERAPIST: This one is fun to watch. As the little urchin plays, touches, grabs, and wanders, mommy is reciting a litany of gentle encouragement and guidance. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? However, urchin (and it's always singular, usually moms of more than one can't achieve this talent), is usually grabbing heavy crystal, wildly spinning the jewelry display, grabbing whatever colorful or sparkling wonder catches their eye. Meanwhile, mom coos "now we just look, and don't touch" repeatedly. Occasionally, the Therapist will mix it up a bit and throw in a "yes, just looking with mommy" like it's a team effort. However, while urchin continues to handle merchandise far beyond their years, merchandise that mom will have no intention of paying for should said urchin drop that 5 pound cut crystal bowl, mom is actually doing her own shopping, content to know that her brilliant little urchin is turning into a savvy shopper like herself.
Another version of the Therapist will stop shopping all together, while she watches her urchin play. Because it's not like she's in a store or anything. There is, after all, things for her urchin to play with, so instead of shopping, Mommy will stand in the middle of the store and just watch urchin have a play date with store employees. Store employees are a tad busy working and actually waiting on customers who don't have urchin playtime foremost in their mind, but that's ok. Because if Mommy removes urchin from what they are playing with, urchin might scream. And we can't have screaming, because that might be an indicator that Mommy is not nominated for that year's #1 Mom award. Standing awkwardly, Mommy Therapist will occasionally softly remind urchin that it's time to leave, however, urchin, having been to this rodeo before, knows if they continue to just play, Mommy will stay rooted in her awkward-spot, sweating out how to get urchin out of the store without a whimper. But no matter how long it takes, Mommy will NOT say NO.
3. The RATIONALIZER: This is when Therapist Mom turns into Rationalizing Mom. When all other options have failed, she will string out a speech worthy of a psychiatrist's couch. Rationalizing Mom will finally leave her post of just viewing the child, and sit down to have a heart to heart. It will go on for several minutes, many times, longer, and include every reason under the sun why they need their little dear heart to follow them out of the store. These reasons will include a list of the errands Mommy still has to run, throwing in bonuses like being able to use the special cart at the grocery store, or going to get ice cream. Because it takes a trip to the ice cream shop to get her child to cooperate. Simply picking up the child and carrying them out the door isn't acceptable, because their child may create a scene and make someone report her to the Bestmommybrigade. It's better to let the child understand the schedule you need to adhere to, and the importance of getting to the shoe store. Because every child really cares about the shoe store, and that line of reasoning will certainly work. Time management, after all, is something every toddler understands and can commiserate over.
4. The WHINER: The Whiner usually begins the moment she enters the door. Typically, she's following a mini-whiner who has taken off at a dead sprint upon entering. Mini-whiner can be heard stomping and pounding through the store, because mini-whiners tend to also be mini-clompers, who have somehow learned in their short lifespan that feet should come down as hard as possible whenever in motion. Mini-whiner will then proceed to scavenge for purchases throughout the store, while Mommy Whiner goes her own way, doing her own shopping. And exchange across aisles begins, with mini-whiner making noise as they get into areas they should not, touching things not meant for little hands, the sounds of packages opening and items dropping echoing through the store. Mini-whiner typically will be whining for whatever item they are destroying, while Mommy Whiner calls out in a high pitched careening voice, asking them what they are getting into. It is a constant line of questioning, with no obvious wish for an answer. Perhaps the Mommy Whiner uses this technique as a locator for the child. As long as the whining continues between the two, she feels she is remaining in contact with her child and sees it as some form of "watching" over them. Though when the child goes silent (never a good sign), Mommy Whiner tends not to notice, and still continues the wheedling tone of asking the child what they have found, never noticing they are no longer answering. But the dreaded word NO is never uttered. She'll even occasionally throw out a "if you aren't good, I won't be buying you anything", however, 99.95% of the time, regardless of mini-whiner's antics, there are things bought for the delightful little creature.
If you've recognized any of the above listed anti-NO behaviors, I'm going to clue you in on something. As a fellow mother, I've been there, done that. I've had the kid playing in areas they shouldn't. I had the child that wandered off. The sticky fingered thief in the making who thought he could help himself to every last thing in the place. The child strung out on pixie sticks who was a perfect angel in the car, but bounced off the walls the moment I walked into a place of business. Now, I am the older mom, still occasionally struggling with inappropriate public behavior, but my use of the word NO is perfected. I have had fit throwers, and not just the whining that we have all dealt with, but the flow blown, uncontrolled, laying on the floor while flailing about in seizure like movements type of meltdown. And yes, it was embarrassing. However, I still said NO. Occasionally, there were trips to a bathroom, or out to the car, where a private little "chat" happened, and if junior got their shit under control, we re-entered the store. Sometimes, we didn't re-enter. And yes, there were things I NEEDED to get, but short of standing in line at a pharmacy or quickly grabbing the four pack of toilet paper because I was left with one square plastered to the tube at home, there was never anything that required me subjecting the world to the heinous acts of one of my offspring. Sometimes, it meant a time out in the car (for both of us) that took twice as long as the shopping would have, but those little bastards learned that I will say NO. And mean it. And sometimes, the "why" was BECAUSE I SAID SO.
It's OK to say NO. Let them whine, throw their fit, and haul their asses out kicking and screaming when you're ready to go. I'll sympathize. I'll be thankful those days are over. I get it. I did it.
What's NOT ok is the anti-NO movement. Because you're raising an entitled shit who knows that they are in control and they call the shots. And imagine what kind of adult that creates. The kind of adult often referred to as a colossal asshole. The eternal fuckup. The aimless drifter because mommy isn't holding their hand letting them do whatever willy nilly they could possibly desire. The name you see and think "they never quite got their shit together".
So c'mon now. It's a small word. One syllable. And it works. As long as YOU work at it.
Nnnnnnnnn
Oooooooo
NO.
Thanks for the ride, Charlie.
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